I wrote this several months ago. It was in the middle of this mess and before I was diagnosed properly or had a clue that I maybe wasn’t losing my mind… This was ‘to’ my Son, Mac, he had recently be blindsided with some hard truths and he was hurt and angry… I am the ‘safest’ for him to be angry at, we have been through a lot, he and I and he knows to his bones, I will never ‘leave’ him…. It took only a matter of hours for him to come to me and start repairing, meeting him with open arms is what I am…. He is a good man, my Son, not ‘perfect’, but perfectly mine……..
(when I refer to his Dad, that is Vern, his sperm donor monster bio-father is my ex)
I lied to you
You were not conceived in the ‘best’ part of that marriage, you were conceived in what makes my nightmares.. I would suffer it all over again, to have you..
I lied to you
I told you, it takes two, to have a marriage go up in an inferno. The truth is, sometimes, it can be just one arsonist…The other just trying to survive… I wanted you to learn responsibility, to not be like him, everything is everyone else’s fault, always… I took the responsibility because of the guilt and shame that I let it happen, I chose this monster, my fault..
I lied to you
You grew up with a Mom that was your fierce protector, the lion at the gate.. Your warrior, never tiring, always ready to slay your dragons… The keeper of peace as best I could.. It was a façade, the hot mess inside, too ugly and pathetic for anyone to see
I lied to you
I tried so hard to be perfect and failed miserably… I let you down so many times…Now, looking back, I see I had to fix it at times….. Leakage from my box haunting me, distracting me… I had to repair it and in turn, distracted, I let you down… So large my denial, I didn’t even know… I do know I had to patch my box, the shame, guilt, and terror was never your burden… I could not let you see….
I lied to you
I could not tell you the connection of porn to me… The massive reaction to your Dad, being born from my monsters and one of them fathered you… in my mind I was protecting you still
I lied to you
I never told you how you trigger me.. You, unconsciously parroting phrases of the monster… How I hear his voice coming through you in those phrases and comments… I have to work to not dissociate and stay with you when this happens.. You never knew and thought me a bit ‘spacey’…. I was being haunted
I raised you with my façade firmly in place… Unknown to me that was what was happening… All I knew was, I had to save you all from the deep dark ugliness that lives in me, I thought it was just ‘who I am’ and broken… That if you saw it, you all would leave me, it being too big and discugsting for anyone to love me through and now it is happening…
Your anger at me, born from the realization your life was a lie… That I lied, too much to overcome… I raised you to value truth above all else, and lied to you all along
I deserve your disdain, I lied to you, just as I taught you to disdain liars
Fighting to find 'me' again 
This makes me so sad, on so many levels. I recognize myself, my facade here, the thinking that I have to protect my family from my ugly inside not even realizing how it’s leaking out and hurting everyone anyway, or how things can be better if I come out from behind the facade,,,,
It makes me sad to see you so hard on yourself, when everything you did was to protect and love your child, to keep yourself safe, to keep,him safe, to allow him to grow up into the wonderful man he is today. I wish , I hope, one day you will see this how I see it.
❤
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I know of the ugliness you talk about. I too felt that if people got to know me they would reject me because of my ugliness. I also put up a façade that came crashing down at the age of 44. I have been through a dark process which eventually led me to finding myself worthy of love and to feel safe enough to trust in that love. It took me 10 years of hard work but it feels empowering today. Today, I am filled with bliss and pain.
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