Silence

Once again, a ‘disclaimer’…. I am not a poet and have no talent for it…. More, these poem like things are just incomplete essays in my mind because my words are in short supply..

Your Silence

Your silence
Your silence
Eats at my soul
Grinds it to dust

Nothing new
Nothing unknown
Here

Communicated clearly

Your silence
Your silence
Confirms your true disdain
Confirms my worthlessness

Nothing new here
Nothing unknown
Here

Communicated clearly

Your silence
Your silence
Confirms I am not worth it
Confirms I am too much

Nothing new here
Nothing unknown
Here

Communicated clearly

Your silence
Your silence
Confirms simple a nod too hard
Confirms it too much

Nothing new here
Nothing unknown
Here

Communicated clearly

Your silence
Your silence
Confirms I am far too needy
Confirms disbelief every time

Nothing new here
Nothing unknown
Here

Communicated clearly
Painfully
Heartbreakingly

Devastation at
The confirmation
Of my own knowledge

Lessons learned

The continuing ripple effects of the ‘unspeakable’

I have been hiding from the world these past weeks since the ‘unspeakable’ and am only now starting to fight my way out… I have left my home and Vern, desperate for escape and to be able to breathe, our interactions too toxic for either of us… Never, not once would I have ever imagined this is what would be for us… Peaceful sleep isn’t even a wish and a prayer any longer, there is no relief there and it just makes everything else worse..

On advice from my ‘new’ Therapist May, I have set up a ‘moratorium’ on any kind of communication with Vern. She wants me to protect my boundaries (and honor them as well, no mean feat, that) and the communication from him is at best, not what I need, at worst chasing me farther away from the danger it represents.. He is so ham-handed with his ‘support’ and his frustration I can ‘feel’ through closed doors or hundreds of miles…. A truly terrible place to be with the man I love…. The ‘silence’ started on the 5th of Feb and will hold until the 19th (it hit me days later that ‘V-day’ in smack in the middle of this, then, it hit me as totally inappropriate for me to worry about that in this cluster… A vicious circle to be sure)…. May said to have a clear ‘end date’ and place ‘parameters’ on the first contact and decide from that, what the next steps will be…

During this time, I am charged with finding ‘tangible happy’, either in the ‘now’ or in memories of times in my life… she said to work at really ‘feeling’ the joy, embracing it and identify what that is….. Sad to say, easier said than done… I can pull up many good memories, it is the ‘identifying’ and hanging on to it has been problematic.. So deep is my ‘lock down’, that warm flush and ‘residual effect’ of something good in the now, does not seem to be able to last past that ‘event’……  Also, it seems my silence with him has transmitted into the rest of my life as well… It has stolen my words to reach out until now and I don’t know if I will be able to sustain it as I did in the wee hours of this ‘morning’ (I don’t have insomnia so much as 2-3 hours seem to be my limit on sleep right now… too many monsters lurk waiting for their turn in my sleep)

This is a draft of what I will send Vern on the 19th, our first communication will be through email ( it is easier for me to get away from that than speaking with him, lots of unknowns there) This is not a final by any means and revisions are in it’s future… It is just time to let it ‘marinate’ for a bit and revisit in the middle of this week

***********************************************************

Vern,

I hope this email finds you well and rested. It has been a long time for me and I have thought of you often in the deep stillness of the night… I sit in the dark, with the unbroken silence between us, so far from home, missing it and you. The home we created that holds little safety for me now, missing it deeply and unable to return…….

I wonder and worry, if you are well, safe and truly working on what ills us, or, if the shock and anger have kept you locked up unable to get past the denial and withdrawal. I sincerely hope it is the former, not the latter……

When you think about me, as a person, as your wife, as the mother of your children, or simply as a woman, what can you definitively say that you know about me? How close do you truly think we’ve gotten as two people in over 23+ years of our history together? How much do you honestly think I can definitively say I know?

I ask this because I will tell you that I have more often than not, felt misunderstood, unappreciated, unheard, uninteresting, unattractive, unimportant, and shut out. I gutted through the best I could, knowing I deserved no better, yet still, I needed so much that I did not receive .The need always there, rarely if ever abated and never for very long. I spend much of my life grasping at the crumbs trying to make that enough…

Loving you through it all because I knew we could be better and I know I was where I wanted to be. I tried, until I couldn’t anymore, the shifting ground and unshifting words and actions from you, making me feel ground to dust.

I know that it seems like I’ve given up on us. I think it would be very easy to mistake the fact that I have started to try to live my own life for a sign that I am somehow moving on from the one we built together. But, hear me clearly and believe me fully when I tell you that could not be further from the truth. I have been ‘nonfunctioning’ for long enough, I have to somehow fight my way back to me. It has not been possible thus far, I have to save myself. That is not giving up on us. My dream is still there, dimmed, but holding firm… I know I still want you, even in this destruction… It just cannot stay the same.

I have extra steep and dangerous cliffs to climb, and I have been consistently without any rope for safety in our marriage these last 10+ months and lost a lot of ground because of that. My PTSD, AAD and DDNOS and monsters make even the smallest things overwhelming and I struggle mightily trying to save any forward movement, only to slide farther and farther down the cliff when things blow up between us or you withdraw from me, (probably the most destructive of it all). It is impossible for me to maintain forward movement with those in my life. I lose ground that I fear I will never be able to regain. I cannot continue this way, cannot and still save my sanity and our marriage.

I know Mom sent you a link. I am amazed by that. Her anger and protectiveness is palatable and for her to reach out to you, to help you is remarkable. I have looked at that link and wonder if you see yourself… It was like a bucket of water dumped on me when I read it, so starling it was. Made even more relevant because of my diagnosis and bone deep fears that I cannot get past… Mom commented, asking how this guy got your emails… I wonder if you dismissed it like so much else. Too protective of your walls to get beyond them and truly see. I despair this may be the case or you will say you do ‘get it’ or ‘believe it’, only to not act on (or really believe it) it after just a short time, like so many times before.

I do hope that you appreciate what it took for Mom to reach out to you, to try and help you and not beat you senseless in the process…. That you have not acknowledged her effort in any way is deeply concerning to me. I feel fear about whether you truly saw it for what it truly was. An honest effort to help, not hurt you..

As far apart as we are right now, I know you and know what we could be… I have a deep desire for who I know is in you, hidden and protected against discovery most of the time, and that is buried under cluster f**k will win out, I know who you can be, I have seen it and who you are at the core. I knew how good we could be together……. Anything less is not tenable, it will never be sustainable, healthy or good for either of us………

You?

If you can manage to break free of what locks you up so tight, you are amazing. You are kind and good and open and strong and supportive. You are smart, funny, wise and generous. You have been fumbling around in the vicious dark this last year, the destruction from that has been intolerable – but, it does not change all of the things that I know can be true about you. If you only let it be you. If you embraced it and lived it I feel the dynamic of us and the healing would be remarkable.

Showing vulnerability only proves how strong and secure you are, it does not show weakness.

I will conclude with this, because it is my core, my nature…. I must try….

If you have not listened to this from that website Mom sent you, please do… It will take just over one hour of your time, not much more…About ½ ways through, if not before, I think you will recognize a reference to your own words and actions (listen carefully, it is quick)… Do you have an hour to give? It is your choice, if you do or not… (If you choose to listen, this is something I would like to talk about at a later time, not a much later time, but not right now)

I am sorry this is so long, I have been working it over for the many days (nights really) of silence, and you know I am no good at silence…

I love you, I miss us, my love for you is evermore, to the end of my days, and it is the air I breathe…………..

Speaking the unspeakable and the aftermath

Please take care in reading this, sprinkled throughout and not ‘marked’, there are very possible landmines of triggers and i do not want you to wander through this unaware……
*******************************************************************************************************

i spoke the unspeakable… i felt i had not an ounce of choice in it…it came out like projectile you-know-what… i do not remember clearly what i said night before last, though because of my life’s patterns, i am pretty sure it was ‘full disclosure’ or damn close… i have had little defense about answering ‘questions’ both spoken and unspoken…. The horror, shame, self-disgusted and embarrassment has me by it’s huge hand at my throat and is suffocating me… i have spent most of the last 36-48 hours in another ‘realm’, i have little to no memory of the night before or yesterday, the building mountain of it over the last few weeks (yes, i am mixing metaphors, sorry)…….i think i have some clarity now, but that may be an illusion too, i do not trust that now…..

What has happened………..

For 10 months i have dragged my most unwilling husband of 22 years kicking and screaming, fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way, this has ground me to dust… i showed him websites that explained what i couldn’t….. Bought dang near enough books to start a small library, trying to explain the deep feeling of betrayal and destroyed trust stemming from ‘D-day’ and my discovery of his betrayal and the monstrous horror of the boxes of my abuse being decimated, i had no clue all that was, the unfathomable dept of it was still in me, truly, i did not ( i was a ‘pro’ of denial, it was my favorite ‘state’ to live in)….. When i could think clearer, i suggested and he agreed to therapy….

Over this time his accusations, blaming me, mocking, chastising and clearly telling me how i am the one damaging him, all about him, have depleted all the reserves i had left… Do not get me wrong, there were ‘moments’ in time, no more that a few days to a week at most, that he said the right words, his actions through those times were balm to my damaged soul………..But………….. They are also a razor sharp double edged sword….. At best very bitter sweet memories…. At worst, destroy me again

Over the last 10 months i have told him very clearly, in times of ‘calm’ and in the towering rages of my panic, sobbing and begging him to believe me…… He has said many times, with the right words, he did, and does……… Yet his actions and words prove so crystal clearly, he did not, does not…. i have worked very hard in these last few months since i started therapy, to see the ‘intent’, not to be so very ‘black and white’….. There are words and actions that there is no way to ‘spin’ differently… i spent decades being able (mostly) to ‘spin’ his actions and words into what i wanted…. He has become so very determined to not give me any ‘wiggle room’ to do that now

He told me something 3 weeks ago that has eaten at the very soul of me, drove me into basically a ‘nocturnal’ life, unable to face him in my shame of what he has unconsciously pushed me to acknowledge, one of the deepest and rottenest parts of me…. To confirm my true knowledge and ‘why’ i have that….

All the while, telling me he believes me, he repeated told me, he just does not understand….. Me saying the words that i have absolute knowledge of the horror and degradation of being and object and humiliated, being tortured and beaten, having things (that word) done to me that i could not defend against and putting my choice for surviving over that what was happening………. This was not enough for me to say repeatedly and consistently… i told him i thought it a horrible idea to share details with him, he emphatically agreed and if in a moment of mindlessness and a ‘looser’ filter, i started to approach anything that sounded like it would have ‘details’ of any kind…. He was quick to remind me…….. That confuses me……… Clearly, his actions and words have been very direct in that he does not believe that ‘simply, broadly described’ repeated r*pes, torture and degradation is absolutely not enough for me to be where i am, for me to have this kind of reaction to it (them) and him

i felt so totally backed into a corner, with no ‘escape’ in sight, other than ‘confessing’…… like i said, i remember little of that… i do remember mentioning the knife, the cattle prod, the pictures and the video, how much more, i do not know and cannot say again, it is part of the ‘unspeakable’, he is the only one that knows this truth and now that i have said this, in the pitch black dark of our living room, i could not face him to see the revulsion in his eyes……… i am now unable to see him, to know he knows and when he looks at me, he will know with clarity… i cannot risk seeing that, i am horrified that i spewed that out……….. and confirmed what he has been pushing for………

i do not know if i will ever be able to face him again, this is beyond heartbreaking to me, truly, so far beyond that, i do not have words to adequately describe the dept and different levels of it…….. i am lost

My one wish is this, for any Secondaries that read this, use my tale as a cautionary tale, pushing your loved one for more is soul destroying to them (me) at best…. Please take them at their word, even if there aren’t many, trust me, there is an ocean full in their heads that just cannot come out and if forced, cause damage that i fear cannot be healed

Silent Tears

Soak my cheeks
Long forgotten
talent
I am good
An expert

Silent tears
Breath normal
While the heart
Breaks
Your words

No noise
Noise = pain
Noise = humiliation
Noise = terror
Degradation

Silent tears
Heal nothing
Say nothing
Mean nothing
To anyone

No one sees
No one hears
Silent tears
No one there

Confirmation

Dear Vern,
The revulsion and horror was overwhelming when I heard “I wished it were you”, …. It suffocates me, part of me died last night

It tells me that you wished i were one of those ‘objects’, plastic and perfect in form

It tells me you wish me to degrade myself for you….

It tells me i was and am far from enough

It tells me you wish i acted and looked like a porn object

It tells me i must NEVER speak of this.. This is mine, it cannot ever be seen by others, their revulsion will be too much when they ‘see’ me for what i am

It tells me you do see how disgusting i am

And you are sorry for my reaction, the first line said it all, i could not finish it.. It was my ‘reaction’ to what you said, not what you said that is now in my head

This goes to the heart of my self-loathing, to the heart of my humiliation that i am never good enough, to the despair at what i am so deep and wide i am drowning in it…

It confirms how filthy i am, the depravity of me and you have seen that…

It confirms i am not worthy of respect

My shame, humiliation, degradation so totally complete, so irreversible now.. you are not the first man, or even the second, to wish this, to tell me this, you only confirmed what I have been told before and now know completely

What you said last night after i gave you the words and you expanded on them ….. i said that that whole cluster fuck before could have been avoided… That was not you groveling to me, that was you validating and acknowledging that you heard me, that you saw me and you understand…. That is what i heard, not you debasing yourself… I do not know what to do if you see validating my feelings as you groveling and just telling me what I demand to hear….

Rag Doll

I am not a poet, never have claimed to be…. I consider these things I write to be, at most, ‘poem like things’ at worse, me babbling….

Rag doll
that’s what
I am

at 5
just like
Raggedy Ann
no movement
of my own

guiding
hands
feet
body
mouth

not of me

i am gone

At 16
flopped
forward
and
back

no fight
from
me
the horror
the pain

no
no
no

it could NOT
be
me

I am too
strong

at 21
joined
with a
monster
of
my choosing

a special
kind of
torture
so inventive
is he

Raggedy Ann
is who i am

sliding through
the house,
by my hair
ricocheting off
walls,
chairs

hung on
the wall
by a
hand
at
my throat

sucker punched,
never face
always body

what is
in his hand?

no
no
no

i am
Raggedy Ann
no resistance

i am
a
rag doll

how do
i let this happen

i am
strong

i am

really,
i am

i am
Raggedy Ann

Anniversary, debates and losing my mind…. Oh my

This post may have triggers in it… It certainly does for me, please take care in reading it, i would not want to harm any who read my blog……….. There is some cursing, no ‘f’ bombs, but, if it would bother you, best to pass this by….

New Years is coming and with it an ‘anniversary’ of terrible sorts, as I learned with the 1st of October, evidently I no longer get a ‘free pass’ for these… I did for years, barely gave them a thought, no nightmares ( maybe a couple disturbing dreams, nothing close to now) went through my days with only what was in front of me holding my attention and emotions….

Not so much now, just typing that first bit, my fingers have gone numb, my legs tingling and my head spinning….. Breathe, just breathe……………..

Many years ago, when I was 16, my Sis set me up on a blind date for New Years… She was never known for much common sense, high intelligence, yes, book smart… Common sense? Umm no……… She set me at 16 up with a man 23, and a sadistic sociopath to boot…. That night started 2 years of terror, i cannot speak it now, maybe someday….

It is not to ‘protect’ me, he is long dead, by his own hand, taking an innocent woman with him and shooting her ex that was trying to save her….. I was not exaggerating, the guy was evil….. He had beautiful, dead eyes…….. My Sis had no idea, never paid attention, she still does not know, it would hurt her to know what happened…. She meant no harm, too bad there was so much….

The flasbacks, I am trying to journal, to maybe someday talk about, and the pains that have no foundation in my ‘now’ life as well…. They are distressing, scary and confuse me, making it hard to focus on much else right now…

New Year’s eve was the start, he insured my fear and reveled in it, until I fled the state and did not return until long after his death……….

For so many years, This night passed without a thought of this… If I did think of it, it was minimal and zero emotion or anything else attached to it…That is what confuses me now… How does that happen? How can I live for so long, basically ‘free’ of this and now am terrorized…. Therein, is me losing my mind, lost is the ability to just go on like I did for so long….How do I go back???

Now my debate…. Ann Coulter opened her attention seeking moronic mouth again, to pontificate on ‘what’ rape is and is not… The woman is an evil puffed up pompous wretch, who says things to stir shit and doesn’t care what it does, the effect it has on the perceptions of people or who it hurts…. I wonder how hard it is for her to keep her human face in place….. The total support she has shown for the rape culture in our country is despicable, and people listen to her….. Unbelievable…

I posted something to this effect on FB, and followed it up with the most solid stats i could find on rape……. A ‘friend’, challenged me on it, and trotted out the very small minority of false accusations… How harmful that is… I agree that it is, it is vindictive and so totally wrong… He then took it one step further… Here, you read it ( I will change names here) I am a hair trigger right now and may have read more into it than was there… What do you think? (seriously, I am curious)

(my original post)

(the ‘debate’)

Him:

What does it make me to not only disbelieve what Ann Coulter said and disbelieve your numbers?

Me:

I don’t know, i got the most consistent, researched based I could find…. If you do believe it is a problem, that is fine, if you think it ‘hysteria’, we have a problem… Victim blaming and rape apologists is a deep problem in our media and country……. Silence breeds these deviants, that is a fact…

Him:

I think there are women who use the claim of rape as weapon. Thereby who at that point is the victim? Once accused the man is branded for life. There are no front page headlines claiming his innocents. Only front page headlines of the accusations. The women who use the claim as a weapon are doing more damage than those who keep quite.

Me:

I take an issue with one of the things you ‘say’, the women that keep quiet ’cause less damage’…….. To whom? Certainly NOT themselves, less damage to the perp? and that is commendable?

Everything I have read, and believe me, I read, the largest percentage of ‘false’ reports is in the single digit range, I believe it was 8 or 9% … Yes, there are those twisted vindictive women, I personally think they should be harshly dealt wish in the courts… But, to question that we do live in a ‘rape culture’ or that one exists because of that small percentage only feeds into it…..

Never mind that both were convicted BEFORE these comments………….

Him:

The cause of bringing rape to the forefront. When a women lies. And that lie gets exposed it makes people less inclined to believe the next case. That is the damage I was referring too.

Me:

And that I agree with, just not the ‘less damage’ part…………

Him:

You believe lying about rape does less damage than silence?

Me:

For the woman (or man) that stays silent over rape it is far more likely than not to be devastating,,, Without warning repressed memories can and do come back,,, To KNOW that you said nothing, in effect ‘allows’ that rapist to continue that evil behavior…

I know a woman that stayed silent, and her rapist 4 years later ended up killing a woman and shooting her ex-husband (who tried to save her)

In part her age was a factor (mid-teens) in being silent…. Who would believe her? In part, childhood sexual abuse helped set this mentality up….

What do you think the knowledge and damage was from KNOWING had she said something about her’s it could have likely not ‘allowed’ him to go on to rape and murder someone? Knowing her silence in some terrible way ‘helped’ murder this poor woman, taking a daughter from her mother, a sister from her brother………..

This is not as ‘bad’ as the very small minority of false accusations?

This is not an isolated incident, the facts are, the majority of rape victims stay silent, for a variety of ‘reasons’ and in that the rapists thrive and go on to perpetrate more evil, more victims…..

You tell me………..

———————————————————————————————————

Please know, in no way do I place ‘blame’ on any who stayed silent, I am one of them, I am the ‘woman’ who I wrote about…. My silence, in some terrible, twisted way, gave ‘aid’ to that monster… It is me that I blame, it is me that I blame for letting that evil bastard go on and do what what he did to these poor people….

I understand the terror and fear, the looking over your shoulder, MUST NOT say a word…. Had I, would she still be alive?

I lied to you

I wrote this several months ago. It was in the middle of this mess and before I was diagnosed properly or had a clue that I maybe wasn’t losing my mind… This was ‘to’ my Son, Mac, he had recently be blindsided with some hard truths and he was hurt and angry… I am the ‘safest’ for him to be angry at, we have been through a lot, he and I and he knows to his bones, I will never ‘leave’ him…. It took only a matter of hours for him to come to me and start repairing, meeting him with open arms is what I am…. He is a good man, my Son, not ‘perfect’, but perfectly mine……..

(when I refer to his Dad, that is Vern, his sperm donor monster bio-father is my ex)

I lied to you
You were not conceived in the ‘best’ part of that marriage, you were conceived in what makes my nightmares.. I would suffer it all over again, to have you..

I lied to you
I told you, it takes two, to have a marriage go up in an inferno. The truth is, sometimes, it can be just one arsonist…The other just trying to survive… I wanted you to learn responsibility, to not be like him, everything is everyone else’s fault, always… I took the responsibility because of the guilt and shame that I let it happen, I chose this monster, my fault..

I lied to you
You grew up with a Mom that was your fierce protector, the lion at the gate.. Your warrior, never tiring, always ready to slay your dragons… The keeper of peace as best I could.. It was a façade, the hot mess inside, too ugly and pathetic for anyone to see

I lied to you
I tried so hard to be perfect and failed miserably… I let you down so many times…Now, looking back, I see I had to fix it at times….. Leakage from my box haunting me, distracting me… I had to repair it and in turn, distracted, I let you down… So large my denial, I didn’t even know… I do know I had to patch my box, the shame, guilt, and terror was never your burden… I could not let you see….

I lied to you
I could not tell you the connection of porn to me… The massive reaction to your Dad, being born from my monsters and one of them fathered you… in my mind I was protecting you still

I lied to you
I never told you how you trigger me.. You, unconsciously parroting phrases of the monster… How I hear his voice coming through you in those phrases and comments… I have to work to not dissociate and stay with you when this happens.. You never knew and thought me a bit ‘spacey’…. I was being haunted

I raised you with my façade firmly in place… Unknown to me that was what was happening… All I knew was, I had to save you all from the deep dark ugliness that lives in me, I thought it was just ‘who I am’ and broken… That if you saw it, you all would leave me, it being too big and discugsting for anyone to love me through and now it is happening…

Your anger at me, born from the realization your life was a lie… That I lied, too much to overcome… I raised you to value truth above all else, and lied to you all along

I deserve your disdain, I lied to you, just as I taught you to disdain liars

My Job(s), I quit

In every crisis there are ‘jobs’, someone who organizes, someone to strategize, someone to be a cheerleader, someone to be the comforter, someone to take care of the practical parts of life ……….. Ideally, it is NOT the person in the middle of the crisis……… At least, in the last 8+ months, that is what I have figured out…….. Yet, in my life, those have been my ‘jobs’, and they are still assigned to me, as well as battling my monsters, flashbacks, known and unknown triggers, terrible rages, inconsolable sorrow and fear, night terrors, dissociation, inability to eat, sleep, getting myself out of the damn bedroom, and loss of days at a time… I am trying to heal myself from a blindsided betrayal and subsequent demolition of my ‘box’ of monsters, that I truly did not realize how big and terrible it was inside there…….

Diagnosed with what I see as a bit redundant alphabet soup This summer after knowing I was losing my mind and begging Vern, my Mom, my Sister for help for months, ultimately having to do it myself ….. PTSD, AAD, and DDNOS (what is PTSD but acute anxiety??)  I am still expected by those I love to be all of the above mentioned jobs holder……..  As I was for 40+ years, I started as a ‘caretaker’ young and it carried through to my adult life. Now I am ‘punished’ by those that love me if I don’t live up to ‘normal’ in their eyes.

Sometimes I have bad days, well, more than ‘some’ to be honest.. I am a very verbal chick, I believe in as much ‘transparency’ as possible, in that, if my day is tough, I work at saying that out loud so I won’t blindside someone. That is not fair to them in my mind, I do not like to lay landmines  and wait for them to hit them… I avoid conflict as much as possible. Doing this for them, is no favor to myself. Inevitably, one or more of my loves will push, prod, snap, chastise or any number of other things that are grinding me to dust… Most, circling around what I have fallen short on, or how I am not working hard enough to make THEM ‘feel better’ about me…. How they are so worried about me and it’s my fault I am not ‘all better’ by now.. It is making them live with undo stress, again, my fault…

I have ‘run away’ from the strife in my marriage, for a few days here and there… It has taken me a while to figure this out, but I now know there is no where for me to  ‘run’ for sanctuary, where someone would help me take care of me.. I have gone to my Mom and Dad’s only to have my Mom push and prod, wanting me to make decisions or just do what she wants me to do.. I can’t have ‘just a bad day’, it HAS to have a ‘reason’ and she will mine for information, rock solid reasons and if I have none, she will inform me of ‘what’ it is (because she ‘knows’ me and can ‘fix’ me, if I would only let her)

While at Mom’s, Vern is on the phone, defending himself and letting me know where I fell short… That happens for at least the first day, up to a few days.. Until I (if able) dismantle his justifications and he sees that…. Then, I get the, “I think this was really good to work through and I have grown for it, I understand now.” (again) I get that from him, he feels better about us, while I am laying on the floor bleeding, again (figuratively)

Gosh, I am SO ‘happy’ I could help YOU feel better… Pardon me while I just crawl to the corner to bleed out……..

I went to my Sis’s for the first time recently, since this mess started, thinking it would be the ‘quiet’ place I crave, only to be put under a microscope and pushed because I am not working on me hard enough… After the conflict that I was desperately trying to avoid, SHE tells me how much better SHE feels………

Then, of course, I have Vern, he cannot seem to keep it together for more than a week… I had found a book a few weeks ago that really ‘spoke’ to me, about me and ‘us’… In it, it spoke of ‘styles’ of conflict in attachment relationships in crisis… I clearly recognized ‘us’ in the ‘pursuing and distancing’ description… I am the pursuer (no surprise here). Here’s the thing, I see this, I told him, asked him to read it… I told him I am working to no longer do this, to give him space… Conscientiously or unconsciously he does not like this, at least that is what I am seeing… When I do not pursue him, he raises the price of poker….. As of this morning, I am done, I see it, I see him and I will not join this toxic dance anymore……

I am done bleeding out for these people….. At moments every one of them has been a bright star for me during this.. Trouble with bright stars, they burn out and the ensuing inconsistency messes with me……. Frankly, I don’t want to ‘bright stars’, just slow steady consistency and compassion at times, that is all…

I know this is not too much to ask, to take in me saying it is a bad day and just be a bit more careful, not much, don’t walk on eggshells, don’t get tense and wait for me to blow, don’t watch me like a bug on the wall……… Until YOU can’t stand it and start poking me……

How do I ‘know’ this? My Children, My Son who is 25, My Daughter at 20 (21 tomorrow, btw 😯 ) both of them knows my diagnosis, that I am in therapy (was, and going to again) They know the barest of outline of the ‘why’, it is enough for them, they accept it and ask no more….. If my day is ‘tough’, I say that out loud, they ‘note’ it and off we go, no microscope, no poking, they just accept me and my deep flaws and love and support me anyway… I don’t have to work to make them feel better about me, they are a bit more careful, yet there are no eggshells, no landmines…. It is a quiet’ support, I am still ‘Mom’, maybe ‘flawed Mom’, but, I have never felt I was ‘less’ with them.. They do not assign me ‘jobs’

Unlike the ‘mature adults’ in my life……….

I am so happy you feel better, pardon me while I bleed out

It has been a long 2 weeks.. So much going on, too much, so much for unplugging.. I am beginning to think that is not possible and a fantasy not based in reality… I have read and heard of firsthand accounts by people that say it happens, I now think, it is a unicorn or they are just delusional…….

The disaster of the Monday before Thanksgiving is still echoing in my life… Oh, not from me, I am settled over firing my therapist. The cold fish reaction I got from her in the aftermath was more than enough to help me with that decision.. It is others around me that say they agree and in fact, helped me come to that decision and strongly supported that choice, that now are using it to verbally ‘slap’ at me…

My Sister, Marie is going through a very hard time, after 15 years of marriage, she decided to end it.. It is with regret and relief that she is doing this.. It is terrible to have a dream die and grieve it.. I have nothing but empathy and support for her, I know how hard that is, even when it is the right thing to do…

We all came to her home for Thanksgiving, it was mostly a good thing… The disaster still echoing in all of us (my Parents, Marie, Vern and me), my Mom struggling the most, she has a lot of anger towards Vern, but was able to mostly put it aside..It had been decided that I would stay to help Maire and ‘unplug’.. My Daughter, Lynn is living with her while she attends school and both of them can be soothing to me, they have calm souls and that is what I need… I was 1/2 wrong…

My Sister put me under her microscope the minute I walked in her door.. I felt and knew this from a lifetime of being her sister… I also understood it as is was just a few days since my first ‘public’ meltdown and I know she was very worried for me.. Once my parents and Vern had left (work the next day and bad weather headed our way) my kids were still here and we sat down to visit.. They both knew something was up and I filled them in on what had happened on Monday.. I do not truly remember it all, just bits and pieces, impression and feelings mostly.. Marie was able to give them an overview of what she knew from ‘helping’ me drive home and her conversations with Mom on her part of that as well…

My children were horrified and outraged at the actions (inaction of M and Jay, the ‘professionals’) they took in the information, vented a bit on the mishandling and ‘stupidity’ by those involved and we moved on to ‘nicer’ subjects, funnier subjects… It was good.

Like I said, I was under the microscope and knew it, I just didn’t realize how much.. It started with her making little comments about my food intake, never ‘enough’ for her… I did lose a considerable amount of weight when my world blew up, I dropped 3 pants sizes, well, closer to 4 really.. I say 3 because I did not go buy new clothes, just dug through my old jeans and hauled out the smaller sizes… Sometimes it is good to be a pack rat….. BUT! I have gained some weight in the last 3 months, actually working at it and my pants are starting to really fit again and not just ‘hang’ on me….

So, last week, one night all 3 of us were watching TV, well they were, I was knitting, in conversation, I attempted a ‘gentle’ push back, telling her how it really bugs me to have someone ‘picking at me’ about food… She acted like she understood and I was relieved to not ‘have’ to get into it over that… I avoid personal conflict like that plague right now, I am trying to deal with this kind of thing ‘rationally’ and not escalate…. Then, after Lynn went to bed, she hit me with, “WHY do you love Vern?” She wanted an ‘itemized’ list of ‘hard facts’, flat footed, blindsided by this question, I fumbled through it… Never realizing at that moment how rude the question was… she seemed very dissatisfied with my answer… I let that one go too..

Marie has been walking on eggshells around me, to a fault she has been.. I have tried to reassure her that me startling has nothing to do with her and it is just what happens. I wish it did not, it is just what ‘is’… If i focus on it and try to ‘stop’, it seems to get worse, i get stressed ‘fighting’ it… It is a vicious cycle… Now, I have a vicious cycle with her.. She is so tense, i ‘feel it’, in turn, my anxiety starts to build, me trying to be ‘normal’ and make her feel better… It is exhausting

This all came to a head 2 days ago. Lynn and I had been out and had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, a first for both of us. We shared a couple appetizers. When we got home several hours later, I went on a search for the copycat recipes.. I found one, the cuban sandwiches, WoW, for such little things, as tasty as they were, the calorie count was astronomical to me (more than 1,000 per ‘sandwich) 😯 Though I am working on gaining back some of my weight, i am trying to do that ‘smart’… Eating a sandwich like that is NOT ‘smart’ and stressed me a bit more than a bit….

I went to tell Lynn, I was so blown away.. On the way through the house, I ran into Marie and shared my shock at that, her response was “Good you don’t eat enough”… I was taken aback by this and said so.. She then launched into a list of what I did and did not eat for the last several days.. Ending with how I said I would eat an orange and didn’t… I explained that I had broken my favorite coffee cup washing it just before I was going to eat it and just didn’t….. She acted like I hadn’t spoken, or had blatantly lied to her and said she knew that to be true, she counted them… I snapped… How dare she treat me like an AN refeeding candidate, I am not even close to that, seriously, NOT………

I did walk away… In my head, “not doing this, not doing this”….. Later she followed me and I thought it would be a mutual apology session… Nope, she wasn’t ‘done’ yet… I did apologize for getting ‘short’ with her, she demanded to know, “Just WHAT ARE you doing?” ………..??…………………………….?!?…………………………?!?…………………………..??…………. I had no idea what she was talking about, said so and she launched into a short diatribe on how I am so broken and not helping myself, questioning if I had given up on  ‘fixing’ myself……………………….?!?……… I reminded her that I have an appointment in place and have had since the Tuesday before I came…. That again, did not matter and this time it was me saying, “ALL DONE NOW, go away”

She, I think, was ‘projecting’ her soon to be ex’s faults onto me and treating me like I am the liar he is……..

No, just, NO……. I am not, nor am I willing to be her whippin’ post……… I decided by that point to leave ‘early’, I was supposed to stay until Monday, now I would go home Friday…..

She came back later and did apologize, I did tell her I was thinking of leaving sooner than planned… The next morning, she brought up my leaving ‘early’ and said I did not have to, she felt SO much ‘better’ and it would be fine… Never mind that interpersonal conflict tears me up, I feel like I am left bleeding on the floor… I do NOT feel relieved to vent in conflict… I can have ‘conversations’ and that is fine… I am hating confrontations with those I love, or strangers, it does not matter, it messes with me…..

Why is it those who purport to love me the most and support me, think nothing of baiting me, fanning the flames and then tell me how much better they feel to get it out…. Even if I make my point and they realize they were mistaken… It seems we still have to do the ‘toxic dance’ to get there……….and it’s ‘me’ that is broken, insane one, not them, go figure……….

I am SO ‘pleased’ I can facilitate you ‘feeling better’………… Please pardon me as I go over to the corner and bleed out…. (SERIOUSLY need a sarcasm font here)